Freaking GPS! I hate them! I cannot read them. I don't understand how to make them work. They SUCK and make me feel like a freaking idiot! Give me a map. I can read a map. I can get you from New York to California with a piece of paper with some red and blue lines drawn all over it, but this stupid, frustrating, little dot-blinking-where-you-almost-are-but-not-really iPhone thingy just puts me over the edge!
Okay. Enough of my rant. Here's what happened today.
We packed up our things and headed to the metro station to get to the train station to get to the rental car office. The five of us traipsing through the German subway system with polka dot and pink suitcases, toting Tengleman's grocery bags of leftover food must have sent your average German on his way to work running for cover, but there we were.
We got to the train station fine and, using the GPS on Kirk's iPhone, made our way through the train station, out the doors, and onto the street to where it said the Hertz Rent-a-Car was located. Only it wasn't. We looked up. We looked down. No Hertz. We stopped a tour bus driver and asked if he knew where it was. Yes, in fact, he did know where Hertz was. Just cross this street, go over the trolley car tracks, walk two blocks until you see the shopping center. Go inside and to the back corner, and there is Hertz.
Dragging luggage and groceries, we made our way to Hertz. The shopping center was deserted, but we went in and stood in the entrance while Kirk scouted out Hertz. He gave me the hi sign across the floor that he had found it, so the four of us hauled ourselves down the stairs and over to the far corner of the building. There was Hertz. We got in line behind some folks also renting cars and waited.
Fifteen minutes later, Kirk got to the desk. Did they have our car ready? No, they did not. Yes, it is Hertz, but it was not the Hertz where we reserved our car. That office is at the train station. Go through the shopping center, go two blocks, cross the trolley tracks, take the escalator to the second floor of the train station, and on the right, we will find the Hertz Rent-a-Car office that has our vehicle reserved for us.
My kids can and do roll their eyes at us on a regular basis. They are really good at it too, able to show complete disgust/frustration/embarrassment with one look. But the rolling of the whole body thing was a new experience. As they gathered their luggage and bags, each of them did a body roll that said loudly, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"
We found the Hertz next to the Burger King on the second floor of the train station, not far from where we had left to go through, out, and onto the first time. Yes, they had a car for us! Yeah! We can be on our way! Where is the lot where the car is located? Time for the body roll. This time from me. Through the train station. Out the doors. Across the trolley tracks and down the street to the alley behind this particular building. Take the elevator to the 5th floor, the the stairs to the 6th floor, and there you will find the car. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
So out we went. Found the car. Loaded it up and took off.
Kirk had programmed the GPS on his iPhone to get us to Haus Am Moos in Salzburg. We were not anticipating the morning traffic in Munich, which was bumper to bumper. He couldn't watch the road and the GPS, so he handed it to me. (As an FYI, he was the only one allowed to drive because it would have cost a lot more to have two drivers. Therefore I was designated shotgun/navigator on the drive.)
We inched our way into the flow of cars. More like still water than a flow, but it was moving a little. I like to orient myself on a map by turning it in the direction I am going, so I turned the phone to that direction. The map turned within the phone. What the heck?! I turned the phone again, and the map turned again.
"What is going on?" I said. "I can't read this! It keeps moving every time I turn the phone!"
"Just press the triangle at the bottom," Kirk said.
Triangle? Triangle? Where the hell's the triangle??? Found it. Okay. Good. The moving has stopped.
"Now what?" I asked.
"Okay. Look for the blinking dot," Kirk answered. "That's us. Just follow it and tell me where to turn."
I can do that, I thought. No problem. Just like a map only better! I watch us progress down the road, blinking dot on a blue line, through Munich's morning traffic. I see that we will be turning right in a bit and tell Kirk.
"Press the arrow key to advance us," he says.
Arrow key. I know where that is and press it. The map moves.
"Wait!" I say. "The map is moving again! I can't tell where we are!"
"You pressed the wrong arrow key," he replies. (There are two arrow keys? I know this because???) "Press the one on the bottom again. Then press the one on the top. That moves the map forward so you can see where we are supposed to go next."
I press the one to stop the map moving, and then I press the one to see where we are supposed to go next. I see that the turn is coming up very, very soon.
"Okay," I said, "You need to turn at the next street." Squinting through my cheaters, I try and pronounce SomeGermanWord Strasse. I look down at the screen and our little blinking light was no longer on the blue line that we were supposed to be following.
"I think we missed the turn," I said.
"Let me see," said Kirk, taking the phone out of my hand and nearly hitting a pedestrian in the process.
"Watch out!" I yelled.
"Shit!" he screamed. "Where did he come from?"
"I don't know," I replied. "Just watch the road! You are going to hit someone. You need to turn around. We're going the wrong way."
"I know I need to turn around," he replied. "Hit the reset button to get us new directions."
Reset button? Reset button? Where the hell is the reset button?
Kirk is trying to tell me what to do and I am watching us moving away from the blue line to Salzburg in traffic as thick as ants on a melted popsicle, and I don't have a clue what to do. He's getting frustrated. I'm getting frustrated.
"Are we lost?" comes a question from the back seat.
"No!" we both shout. "Just be quiet while we figure this out!"
So, we finally reorient ourselves on the map and after two times around the block to get going the right way, we make our way out of the city. I hate this GPS thing. I have learned that like the side-view mirror, objects on the GPS are "closer than they appear." If a street looks like it's a block away from the blinking dot, it is actually RIGHTTHEREANDYOUBETTERTURNNOW! I've also learned that I am a WAY better map reader when I can pronounce the names of the streets. I've learned that I have no freaking clue how to use this damn GPS, and giving it to me in a "crisis situation" is not the best of plans.
Suffice it to say that after several, yes several, missed turns and wrong ways, we have found our way to Salzburg. Our place is like something out of a fairy tale. We went into town tonight and had yet another "adventure." But that is a story for another day.
I have found myself, without a GPS, in my nice, comfortable bed, finally warm and ready to sleep.
Goodnight!
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